Viola

My work meetings got cancelled today. So i decided to organize my work table. And then proceeded with cleaning my room, my closet. Changing the bed sheets too. It is so refreshing to be sleeping in a clean room with clean sheets. Also tried a new body wash, lavender scent. So im pretty sure my sleep would be great tonight.

Rewarded myself with a big a*s burger

I miss him, but he didnt keep his word. He just as good as disappeared. And while I should be angry, I will always want him to be happy and okay. I guess from time to time, I can still miss him.

Now officially fully vaxxed. Now just waiting for the side effects. Filed a leave of absence for 3 days in anticipation for the second dose side effects.

I got my first shot last month. both excited and nervous for my 2nd shot this coming week. I got Moderna through my company. 

Woke up from a nightmare. I dont remember everything. But im the dream, there is a guy who is supposedly a bad guy and i was tailing him for some reason. Got into an accident and when i got home, my nephew said he lost his dad.. but in the dream his dad is some random guy i dont know. I dont know why im scared but i woke up with a feeling of fear

gyudon for late lunch. I miss samgyup though

I just started to nap since ive only had a few hours of sleep last night. Immediately the dream started. Im sure i have seen a movie with a similar premise. In this dream, i am not an active participant. It is as if im watching a movie. There were a group of folks running around the hospital being chased by various monsters and ghosts.  The first one was a ghost with a bloody hospital robe. You will die when he touches you and end up with bloody clothes like him.

So this group ran and ran and got in an elevator. For now they are saved. But when the elevator went up and stopped at a certain floor.. they were greeted by a monster that stabbed them.

The next scene. It was as if the monsters noticed the audience and faced the camera. This monster smiled and reached out hand. It was beckoning.. and i reached for its hands  knowing i will be devoured. 

I didnt know we have this thread. My dreams have always been vivid and weird. I'll probably post here in a lot. I had a dreamless night last night though. 

Im not working in the science field now... But i've always been interested in how things work.

I was a bookworm even when i was still a kid. Read a lot of books instead of playing outside. 

I loved math and logic. In 4th grade, we were introduced to spaghetti programming. I forgot what it was, but more likely it was lotus 1,2,3.  I loved it. For my final project, i created a text-based "encyclopedia" of the solar system. Basically, i have 28 books, all about the solar system programmed some sort of wiki so they can navigate through the content that i copied from the 28 books. I felt so mature compared to my classmates.

I was also friends with the librarian that she allowed me to take home more books that what was allowed 

In high school, we also had our version of a programming class. If i remember things correctly, it was turbo pascal. I loved it. I even got an award as best in programming come graduation.

With my love of math, logic and coding, i naturally ended up in an computer engineering course. I loved my engineering mechanics. I loved logic gates and creating diagrams that would lead to my expected output and finally creating the circuit that would make it my diagrams tangible. I loved all of it.

Unfortunately, i got sidetracked and ended up in the BPO industry. Stayed there for 11years before i decided, i need something closer to what i love doing.

A couple of years ago, I found out about a scholarship for data science. I applied with no hesitation and got in. Now, im in data analytics. Doing the things i love. Coding and crunching numbers.

OO by Up Dharma Down. 

'Di mo lang alam, naiisip kita
Baka sakali lang maisip mo ako
'Di mo lang alam, hanggang sa gabi
Inaasam makita ka muli

Nagtapos ang lahat sa 'di inaasahang
Panahon at ngayon ako'y iyong iniwang
Luhaan, sugatan, 'di mapakinabangan
Sana nagtanong ka lang kung 'di mo lang alam
Sana'y nagtanong ka lang kung 'di mo lang alam

Ako'y iyong nasaktan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Hindi mo lang alam kay tagal na panahon
Ako'y nandirito pa rin hanggang ngayon para sa 'yo

Lumipas mga araw na ubod nang saya
'Di pa rin nagbabago ang aking pagsinta
Kung ako'y nagkasala, patawad na sana
Ang puso kong pagal ngayon lang nagmahal

Oh, 'di mo lang alam ako'y iyong nasaktan
O baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Puro siya na lang, sana'y ako naman
'Di mo lang alam, ika'y minamasdan
Sana'y iyong mamalayan
Hindi mo lang pala alam, 'di mo lang alam

Kahit tayo'y magkaibigan lang
Bumabalik lahat sa t'wing nagkukulitan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Ako'y nandito lang, hindi mo lang alam
Matalino ka naman

Kung ikaw at ako ay tunay na bigo
Sa laro na ito ay dapat bang sumuko?
Sana 'di ka na lang pala aking nakilala
Kung alam ko lang ako'y iyong masasaktan
Nang ganito, sana'y nakinig na lang ako sa nanay ko

'Di mo lang alam ako'y iyong nasaktan
O baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Puro siya na lang, sana'y ako naman
'Di mo lang alam, ika'y minamasdan
Sana'y iyong mamalayan
Hindi mo lang pala alam, oh

Malas mo
Ikaw ang natipuhan ko
'Di mo lang alam ako'y iyong nasaktan

rainy days and mondays by the carpenters... Very apt song today of all days

Shakey's 

So the last few weeks have been a struggle. 

I started the year with the right headspace. I was ok, mostly. 

Met someone, my mistake was i let that someone get too close that i started depending on him in times when it wasnt too good.

Long story short, because of circumstances, that someone ended up being a source of confusion and anxiety.  Part of me wished to go back to the days when i find comfort in his company. But that isnt the case anymore.

So now, im going through the motions when you have to let someone or something go. I there are times when im angry, times when i want to reach out, times when i just wallow. 

Overall, i just want to say, the past few weeks have been a struggle because it just magnified how alone and lonely i really am. 

Trying so hard not to reach out nor react. I'll just be ignored. I was kept away and pushed out, so i decided to just walk away.

This stupid podcast on youtube... Trash Taste. I dont know why, but they are just funny. My kind of humor i guess 

Part of me still wishes things were like before. And part of me knows it won't be again. 

I got all confused. Maybe i like him too much. Or maybe, i was just on my way to liking him.

Or maybe i banked on his promise to always be there. Letting go of someone or something is always a painful process. 

It is doubly difficult now because i somehow trusted him. But he ended up hurting me more than protecting me in the end.

I think im in the depression stage now. Soon, i'll accept things are over and done. But for now, let me be sad for the good times and the what could have beens. 

When you tell someone you need them and their reaction is of complete indifference... There is no clearer sign that they no longer give a f**k.  Let go, walk away, don't look back. 

Im not into dipping sauces. I hate vinegar and patis.. not into mayo nor ketchup.. but if i must pick, i love mustard on my hotdogs and burgers. I like creamy spinach dip too. 

I rarely drink but tonight feels like the right time to drink. And yeah it is flavored beer.. as i said im not a drinker. This one bottle will be enough to get me tipsy. 

Maybe if i had a drinking buddy i'd develop more tolerance to alcohol.

Are you just interested in formal colleges that offer online classes? Or would sites that offer certificate courses such as coursera, edx, etc something you'd be interested in? 

I mostly upskill in coursera . But i like edx more. My last edx course (r programming) cost me around Php25k.

I give up. It is a losing battle. Trying to get back to before is never gonna happen. 

Well.. im a shoppee platinum member . So i purchased a lot..but two gallons of alcohol just got delivered this morning.. so that'll be my last online purchase as of today.

But my cart is up to Php 50k..just items waiting to be checked out. 

jojo's bizarre adventures. I didnt expect to enjoy it. But im hooked. I now say "ora ora ora" and then laugh. 

I quit. Goodbye.